Get real!

Today reminds me of the day I realized I was really having a baby (the 1st one). No, not the day that the pregnancy test was positive, but the day i had my first contraction and realized this was happening. No one had taught me how to be a parent - our parents can't even do that. I could organize a major event, keep track of a million project schedules, stand up to the most intimidating coworkers - but I wasn't ready for this. They were actually going to give me a baby and let me walk out of the hospital with her w/o a clue what I was doing. PURE FEAR!

Yep, that's today. Before today, my biggest concerns were: 1) having the surgery soon so the symptoms wouldn't get worse, 2) getting through holiday celebrations, 3) finding a way to play w/ my girls, 4) alleviating the extra pressure put on Mark, and 5) getting the insurance to pay for the surgery. It never dawned on me that I would be afraid of a stupid surgery. i wasn't afraid of child birth (taking the baby home, yes, but not the actual labor part), knee surgery, going to college, getting my first job, marrying Mark (maybe i should have been, lol). I just don't scare easily. At times, I don't even understand when other people are afraid. Not any more. I get it.

So, why do you suppose we even have an emotion like fear? Some people will say that it's an evolutionary emotion that helps us to survive. Sure, that's the easy answer. But, it's definitely something bigger than that. It forces us to rely on someone else to get us through because we're incapable of working through fear on our own. Fear forces us to surrender to God's strength and protection. We're much safer in His arms than out on our own. You may be smiling because I struggle to remember that I'm not in this alone. After all, "control" is my middle name. He is stronger and wiser than the rest of us and it is through fear that we some times learn to rely on that strength. I read in a Bible Study in June this year..."Sometimes we are not ready to see the wonder of God's wisdom and strength until we are gasping for breath in the exhaustion of our own strength." It's my prayer that I surrender to this rather than fight it. I'm in the middle of fight-mode right now, but hope that it passes soon so that I can be at peace. I pray the same for all of you - we're all fighting something. Lay it down.