Control yourself!

I now understand why I am afraid of this surgery - aside from the noggin-cracking part. Let me explain....

I finally got the call today w/ a surgery date of January 2nd. After hanging up the phone, I started thinking about all of the plans I needed to make: 1) transition plan for work, 2) dinners made ahead in the freezer, 3) pedicure so I have cute toes during surgery, 4) pretty pajamas to make me feel better in the hospital, 5) hair appointment to change the part in my hair to the other side to cover the incision. It was a methodical list. I started writing this stuff down, like it was the key to a successful recovery. I even jotted down the day of the week that I would accomplish each critical element of my list.

Then I paused for a few minutes. Why am I worrying about the color of my toes or what day I'll be allowed to wash my hair when I may not even have a memory of what happens during the week following surgery????? ......... Sigh....not again, it can't keep coming back to the same thing....control. That blasted shadow I always have lingering behind me. The world's perpetual designated driver. It's true; I need a tiny piece of control in the craziness that's happening. I can't control my body anymore, so I'm holding on to little things that I can still order around like endentured servants. It's like the last thread of a giant rope that I've secretly tied to my pinky finger just in case the One who has the larger part looks away for a second and lets go. Why is it so hard to just close my eyes and untie the thread?

Do you ever struggle with this too or are you one of those rare individuals who could care less about boundaries - someone I greatly admire?? I've always wanted to be the one who could come to a party an hour late, turn in shotty work on assignments that really don't matter, roll out of bed and go to the grocery store in pajama pants, take my kids to Target at 9:30 at night. You know, a real rebel! But alas, control.

I do actually remember a moment in my life (a few years ago) when I gave over complete control to God. Complete, total, unwavering control. It felt wonderful. Peaceful. Perfect. I'm going to pray that between now and January 2nd, I let go of that last thread again and I'll also throw in a prayer for all of you (if indeed you are one of those rule-followers). But I have to warn you that if this happens, if this dreadful prayer is actually affirmed (hold on to your hats!)...........I may have chipped toenail polish and messy hair the next time you see me!