The art of fighting fair

Last night, I attended my niece's wedding shower.  During the shower, Laura opened a lot of gifts - one of which was a rolling pin.  I heard someone say, "that's for your first fight."  That triggered my thoughts about getting married to Mark, when his Dad was giving us some advice that we continue to use after nearly 14 years of marriage.  The art of fighting fair....

Let's face it, marriage is tough.  I consider myself one of the blessed ones - I'm married to a man who I love and respect, someone who makes me laugh and who appreciates me for me and doesn't want me to change.  He is a good father, husband, and friend.  He's also hot - which is an added bonus (tee hee).  Anyway, even with all of that, marriage is one of the toughest jobs (perhaps equalled only with parenting) I've ever had and honestly, there have been a few days in which both of us considered whether or not it was all worth it.  It takes a lot of work.  And there are times, no matter how much I love him, that he is an absolute bonehead and I feel like shoving him out of the nearest window.  One of those times is when we argue.  

Arguments are marriage minefields.  They're times in which you are most likely to say something you don't mean and times that you have the potential to do severe damage to your spouse and your marriage.  In order to minimize this as much as possible, here are some of our "rules"....

1. Don't go to bed mad.  This one has caused us some sleepless nights.  And there have been many times that we've gone to bed convinced that the other person is absolutely wrong.  But it's important not to lay down at night with resentment between you, because that sprouts a wall - or can cause the urge to stuff a pillow over his head until the snoring (or potential of it ever happening again) stops.  lol
   
2. Don't say something to deliberately hurt the other person.  This is a tough one.  You know each other better than anyone else and therefore have a greater power to injure.  Resist.  Count to 10 if you have to.  Even take a 15 minute break from the argument.  But hold your tongue because you'll never get those words back again and you can't erase them from his/her mind.  And believe me, those things stick.  And they hurt.
   
3. Compromise.  We learned this early in our marriage.  I'll admit it - I squeeze the toothpaste from the middle of the tube.  It drives Mark CRAZY.  For a long time, we argued about this - well, it was probably because we were sleep deprived and irritated about something else, but we argued about the toothpaste.  Then one day, we came to a compromise.  We started using two tubes.  :)  
   
4. Fight about one thing at a time.  If you're mad because she recorded over your DVR'd version of the Colts Superbowl, argue about that.  Don't bring up the fact that she scratched your truck two weeks ago or that she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle.  Deal with the Superbowl first (and give her hell about it because that's just wrong!!!).
   
5. Remember that you love each other.  Even when you're so angry that you want to wipe the other person off the face of the earth, remind yourself that you love him/her.  There's a reason why you fell in love (hopefully more than one reason).  Remind yourself that even if you can't remember why you were stupid enough to love this butthead, you'll remember a reason tomorrow.  Take a breath.  
   
6. Figure out what's really got you so ticked off.  Are you really angry because he can't fold towels (Mark CANNOT fold towels!!!!)?  Or is it something bigger.  Be honest with him and yourself.  Then go back to number 4 and only fight about one thing at a time.
   
7. Don't wait until you're ready to explode.  Tell him when he's first done something wrong. If it hurts your feelings when he doesn't give you a card for Mothers' Day, tell him. Don't wait for him to blow off Mother's Day, your anniversary, and 6 birthdays before you say something.  Fix it when it's easy to fix.
   
8. Listen.  As much as you want to be heard, LISTEN.  Take a breath again.  Listen to what she has to say.  If she's not saying anything, then take another breath and ask her to say something.  There's a lot being said in the middle of silence.  If you want to be heard, then you have to hear.  It's back to compromising.
9. Keep God at the center.  I've found that it's hard for me to break the above rules when I invite God into the room.  It's kind of like when the boss walks in.  Everyone is on their best behavior, right?  Well, I guess I'm not but I'm a little weird.  Anyway, you get my point.  When I invite God into the arguments, it makes it harder for me to hurt Mark.  

Fights aren't about winning.  If someone wins a fight, then you've both lost.  Fights are about hearing and being heard.  Try it out.  Fighting fair's tough and takes some practice.  But afterwards when done properly, you're less likely to feel like you need a shower to wash off the embarrassment and more likely to be curled up with the one you love.

To Laura and Caleb: I pray that the two of you will have a beautiful marriage.  Take care of one another.   And Caleb, please cherish her.