The Pursuit of Fineness

According to the dictionary, "fineness" is the state or quality of being fine. Obviously, that definition was written by a man! In case you haven't noticed, the female species is in a continual pursuit of fineness, and this has nothing to do with the definition provided by Webster.

When one of us has just declared bankruptcy and you ask her how she's doing, she says "fine". When one of us is contemplating the murder of her husband and he asks her how she's doing, she says "fine".

Were you able to interpret these responses correctly? If you thought that the woman was indicating that all was okay with the world, you are in serious trouble. Let me break it down for you:

• I'm fine means I'm not fine but I don't want to talk about it so stop asking me questions.
• Everything's fine means that I have way too many things to do and not enough hours in the day to do them but refuse to say no for fear that if I don't do it, someone else will, and they'll most definitely screw it up.
• It's fine: Please pay close attention. This is the most deadly phrase used in the female vocabulary and is reserved exclusively for our husbands. When you do something REALLY boneheaded and you try to apologize or smooth things over, if you hear this phrase, do not....let me repeat....do not walk away thinking things are okay. They're not. It means that at this moment, she's done discussing it with you because she believes you are not smart enough to realize that she is right and you are wrong - and because of this lack of intelligence, any further discussion would be a waste of her precious time. She is currently contemplating revenge in the form of something that will cause severe, long-lasting emotional or physical pain. The only way to avoid this pain is to surrender, understanding that even if you think you're right (and you're not), the consequences are not worth the momentary preservation of pride. Men who do not understand this phrase are condemned to enternal confusion and anguish.

To my girlfriends out there, I ask this question: Why do you suppose we are in this pursuit of fineness? I think that we have somehow convinced ourselves that we are solely responsible for balance in the universe and if we have a bad moment or - heaven forbid - a bad day - that the world will fall into chaos and our families will collapse. So, the next time he does something really stupid, instead of saying, "It's fine," try something like, "No, I didn't want a crockpot for Christmas, but since you bought one, I think I now have the right to ask you to cook in it every day for the next month. Thank you, Chef." It's much better for your psyche and your marriage.